Tuesday, 19 June 2012

I Go Crazy..Cos Here Isn't Where I Want To Be

So firstly, it appears this whole self-employment business is making me extremely lazy in the blog department...either that OR my life is of little interest any more.....I'm going with the first!

What a strange couple of months it has been too in the world of Miss Musing and all who travel along her path, from moving to new jobs to sudden loss of jobs and sudden closures of beautiful Jigsaw stores :( and sudden surges of interest in aforementioned self-employment.

I'll be honest, when I originally started writing this post, it was mostly going to be a tongue-in-cheek gripe at losing my job, alongside other somewhat mishaps, that have made my life feel low at times.  Then again, you have one conversation, read one thing on Facebook and suddenly you feel invigorated to make do with what you have and, in turn, make what you have work.  Your perspectives change.  Again.

I was annoyed at getting a phone call to say the shop would be closing, annoyed that I would have to uproot and find something else again.  I was annoyed at certain types in the cutthroat world of crafts and catering who just couldn't seem to be straight with me, annoyed at letting myself take this so personally that I even considered throwing the towel in on Miss Berry's.  I was irritated to feel as though I was losing grip of everything I had pulled together since moving to Notts and would be left with nothing.  That's the issue with perspective, you can't see any good until you find out someone has been struck with a much worser deal in life.  And that is all it took.  Being annoyed doesn't change anything, being pro-active does.

If you believe, like me, that life is made up of a series of important moments in your life.  If you, like me, count staring wistfully out of a window waiting for lightning to strike to an energising theme tune by Arcade Fire, as a genuine hobby, then you'll understand what I mean.  You will also have been told to do at least one of the following at some point in your life;
a) 'come along Dolly Daydream'
b) 'can you just get over it, please?'
c) 'but there really is nothing you can do about it..now'.
If you're anything like me, you'll also be just about coming round to the theory that feeling sorry for yourself (whether listening to Arcade Fire or not), doesn't get you anywhere. 

It took less than an hour for me to pick myself up from the depressed slump I had talked myself into, talk to someone who wanted to listen and realise that ultimately, the only person who was in control of me...was ME!  If I didn't like a situation, then I had to change it, if I didn't like the disposable nature of a job, leave it and if I didn't want to be another faceless employee in a big company, fight against it.  Was it perhaps time to see myself as not 'unemployed' but 'self-employed' come June 11th?  Had I been taking on all those extra hours at Jigsaw simply to play it safe rather than face the fear of venturing out on my own?  Was it that I only really had to start believing in myself and my abilities to make it through this dark patch? I thought perhaps so.  And in those darkest hours, some of the people I hardly proclaimed to know, came through and showed faith in me.  The lightning came, the theme tune played, I was no longer going to see June 11th as a bad day.

That day came and went...surprisingly I'm still here.  The closing of the shop was horrible, but I'm still here.  I've worked my arse off the last few days to get as many stalls and recognition for Miss Berry's as I can, I'm still here.  I've been ready to apply for full time jobs and, in those split seconds, been approached about stalls and upcoming gigs to promote myself, I'm still here.  I even fulfilled one of my resolutions - I did an open mic night with Mr J.  I'm still here...

I'll be back when I've got something funny to write, but for now I'm plugging away turning dream into reality and acting on the somewhat divine realisation that the only person that can really chase my dreams and change what is happening...is me!

Mwah x

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